Monday, December 10, 2012

PSA: Crimes Against Nature

Hello. This is your local, neighborhood Jordan, here to remind you that some items in your grocery store are crimes against nature and that you should avoid them at all costs. If I never saw one of these "foods" again, it would be light-years too soon. Most of these things are the mutated counterpart to something delicious, and it should be known that my hate for these wretches stems from human meddling. Except for the last one. I'm convinced it's an alien.

1. Canned Mushrooms
They don't taste like mushrooms. That rubbery, soggy texture is disgusting. They are slimy and evil.

2. Turkey Bacon
Don't even start with me. Anything not made of bacon will never be bacon. NEVER.

3. Canned Pineapple Juice
It tastes like metal and citric acid. It's probably made of pineapple tears because it reeks of sadness.

4. Jarred Albino Asparagus
There's no way it's not over-cooked, but mostly that crap looks like fingers. Scary as all get-out.

5. Baby Corn
Also terrifying. Like it comes from an alien planet where they have hands and teeth that are also that tiny and equally creepy. In the immortal words of Nadia G, "You suck, baby corn!"

Are there any foods for which you harbor an irrational and probably unhealthy hatered? Please share!